Not one goddamned time....

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THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS 11-YEAR-OLD MANNY FURIOUS WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IN 41-YEAR-OLD MANNY FURIOUS. TOO MANY TO ADEQUATELY AND ENTERTAININGLY RECOUNT HERE. AND “DISAPPOINTED” ISN’T EVEN THE RIGHT WORD. LITTLE MANNY FURIOUS WOULD BE DEVASTATED, DISMAYED, DOWNRIGHT DISTRAUGHT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS OLD MANNY FURIOUS HAS FAILED TO ACCOMPLISH IN HIS LIFE.

BUT SOME OF THEM WOULD BE THAT OLD MANNY FURIOUS STILL DOESN’T HAVE A RESPECTABLE HAIRCUT, HE’S NOT RICH OR FAMOUS, HE DOESN’T HAVE A BLACK BELT IN ANY MARTIAL ART, HE DOESN’T WEAR A LEATHER JACKET, HE DOESN’T POSSESS THE PHYSIQUE OF MID-1980S SYLVESTER STALLONE TAKING 500MG OF TRENBOLONE DAILY, AND HE DOESN’T REGULARLY GET INTO BAR FIGHTS IN DEFENSE OF HIS WOMAN’S HONOR. HELL, WOMEN DON’T EVEN FIND HIM PARTICULARLY INTRIGUING. HE ALSO DOESN’T OWN OR DRIVE A DIRT BIKE.

THESE WERE JUST SOME OF THE VERY COOL AND AWESOME THINGS OLDER MANNY FURIOUS WAS GOING TO HAVE AND DO, AT LEAST IN THE MIND OF LITTLE MANNY FURIOUS. CERTAIN ASSUMPTIONS WERE MADE. EXPECTATIONS WERE SET.

BUT PERHAPS THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT LITTLE MANNY FURIOUS— EYE-LIDS PERPETUALLY SMASHED TOGETHER TO IMPROVE VISION, HAIR PERPETUALLY SPROUTING IN ALL DIRECTIONS LIKE WEEDS— WOULD HAVE IS THAT NOT ONCE, NOT ONE GODDAMNED TIME, HAS OLD MANNY FURIOUS EVER GONE OUT ON THE BALCONY OF AN EXPENSIVE HOTEL ROOM, 60 FLOORS UP IN HONG KONG, FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND DONE THE SPLITS WITHOUT A SHIRT ON WHILE OVERLOOKING THE ENTIRETY OF THE CITY, LIKE JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME IN THE 1986 CLASSIC FILM, BLOOD SPORT.

WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT OF BEING A GROWN UP AT THAT POINT? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONVINCE A WOMAN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T DO THAT AT LEAST ONE TIME IN YOUR LIFE?

WHAT THE HELL, MAN. 

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